How to have a successful garage rock band in the 2000s
by Wendy Norton
We all know that garage rock is DEAD DEAD DEAD! Right? Well if you look hard enough you'll find out that it didn't really go away, it just got DUMBER and DUMBER. If you cant make your own clothes or play the half-step riffs to be in a new wave band or you cannot afford a synth, OR playing in a second-rate Exploding Hearts style power poop band is something you cannot fathom, don't get depressed. There's still a niche for you in a post 1997 world! All you gotta do is follow these 5 general rules. You might not be as rich and famous as THE SPITS, but even if you pick 2:5 of these to live by you'll still get plenty of street cred, dig?
RULE 1: Goofy stage outfits. Go to the thrift store and rifle through the old ladies section in search of some gaudy-sequined sweater. The rule of thumb is that is has to be IRONIC. Second-hand Halloween costumes, wrestler uniforms, unitards, ANYTHING FUCKING STUPID AND RIDICULOUS looking..Don't worry if your gut sticks out or your nature trail is showing. The more shocking the better.
RULE 2: HAIR Growing you hair (and facial hair) in the most hideous fashion possible. Mullets, chops, mustaches, anything Burt Reynolds would do.. It doesn't even matter if you look like a metal head. The main point is that you look fuckin stupid and pretend not to care about modern fashions.
RULE 3: RETARDED SONG LYRICS You want to write songs that your audience can relate to. Seeing as how most jaggoff garage rock kids are pretty fucking dumb you want to keep it to 2 verses TOPS!!!! Also the chorus should be a one-liner (Here's an example: Karen shit her pants /now she cant dance) feel free to use that very line)). The more you repeat the same lines the better! You want drunken kids chanting your lyrics at your shows and the funnier and simpler lyrics are the ones that get stuck in your head.
RULE 4: DON'T LET A FLAKY DRUMMER RUIN IT FOR YOU Drummers are bitches. They are in high demand so they always have other bands they need to tour with when its time for you to be recording your demo for your MORE IMPORTANT bands tour. Or, they never really wanted to be in your band in the first place but you needed a drummer REAL BAD so you tricked them with a case of Blatz. Whatever the case, fear not. Its now actually kind of COOL to have some songs with a drum machine on the recording (this is not my personal opinion, I'm just writing crap to fill up Troy's zine).
RULE 5: OBVIOUS COVERS Who cares if everyone including your grandmas band have covered the Kids or the Kinks or Little Richard or GG Allin or DEVO?????? That shits classic for a REASON. That's REALLY the shit that everyone wants to hear when they're out drinking in a bar. Not your stupid song that you wrote in your basement. They wanna hear fucking TODAY YOUR LOVE TOMORROW THE WORLD!!! But there is one rule: nothing from 85 or beyond. People do NOT wanna hear Supercharger covers, Billy Childish Covers, etc.etc.etc.etc.
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